I've been having very vivid dreams recently. I'm going to try and recall the one I had last night. I told my mom about it this morning, before she left for work. I stirred some vegetables in the frying pan while I talked about it. I remembered it very clearly in my mind, but I had trouble finding words for it. In all, though, I found it very easy to talk about, which is something I don't experience for most dreams. Often, soon after waking, I cannot really remember my dreams.

I'm with my mom and we're on another one of our vacations. I'm not sure where I am, but I know that I'm in a cab and... I think my mom's sitting in the passenger's seat, and I'm in the back. The cab driver and my mom are talking. That doesn't surprise me, she's always talking to cab driver's. Sometimes it annoys me, but other times it can be interesting. So, anyway, I'm peering out the window, taking in the sights, although I can't recall them now. I do remember crossing a bridge. I also remember taking my camera out and trying to take pictures. The pictures I'm taking aren't coming out that great, they don't usually when I'm taking them from the car.

We aren't sure where the hotel we're staying at is. We find a place that could be it, and so my mom wants me to go check it out. I don't remember getting out of the car, and I have no idea where the cab is, but I walk into the building. I get the feeling that the hotel was nicer than I had expected. The room that I walk into from the entrance is white, but a room next door to it is red and I find myself interested and wanting to walk into it. There are people surrounding me, I remember that most of them had black hair, and they all spoke a language I didn't understand. I want to say that they were Chinese, or some variation of Asian, but I don't really remember.

I'm not sure what happened, but what I remember next is that I'm standing in front of bookshelves. They're lined with small books, they're hard cover. I remember seeing a Ripley's Believe It Or Not. I remember flipping through a few of them, but I can't remember what they were titled or what their contents were.

Then, I'm thrown into a whole new situation.

What I just mentioned about the bookshelves, I can associate it with the vacation, I don't know why, but it's a connection I don't know the reason for, but I know that it exists.

I have a family in this new situation, my own family, not just one member, but 3 or so. There's something terribly wrong with this family I'm in. I can't explain it, I'm trying to, but it's not making any sense. There's some power, something deadly, something dangerous that exists. It's a power that's transferred. It's transferred to my husband, and possibly my children, but I don't remember.

I'm in the kitchen, I don't know how I got there, or why. The feeling that something terrible is going to happen washes over me and I quickly open the top drawer and grab for the butcher's knife. I run out the doors and my husband is chasing after me. He's screaming at me, and he's waving something around, a weapon most likely, but I can't remember what it was. It was probably a knife similar to the one I was clenching in my hands.

He's slowly making his way closer to me, and I can see my children behind him. I can't remember what they were doing, or if they were there at all... the feeling that they were there is coming to me now, as I write this, so I'll just assume they were behind him.

I'm doing that running/jumping/flying thing that they have in those martial arts movies. It's something that occurs often in my dreams, especially when I'm escaping from something.

He's closer, he's nearly underneath me. I'm not high from the ground, he could almost grab me and pull me down, but he isn't tall enough.

I see a fence ahead of me. It's wooden and it's tall. I use all my strength and get over it successfully. I vaguely remember my husband saying something about how he'll find me later, along with other threats, but I can't remember those.

He's also upset about something else. I killed my own child, that's what he tells me... I don't know remember... it's a baby, and it's buried in the ground. I see my husband, frantic, and clawing at the earth, as if I'm right next to him, but I'm not.

Now I'm somewhere else... I can't describe it. Somehow I've also made an ally, someone who will help me. It's a man, and I can't remember much about him, only that I felt safe with him.

It's as if, by jumping over that fence, I jumped into a new place entirely. I didn't jump over and land on the grass, on the other side, the same grass only split into two parts by the fence.

I sense that my husband is near, but he's no longer my husband, and he's no longer a man, he's something else... something I can't describe, something I can't remember.

He's throwing, what seem to be swords, at me. I'm pressed against a wall that's near the part of the wall that has three different depths. I move to the first indent in the wall, the sword misses me and meets with the wall of the indent next to me. I move there next, and the sword he throws next goes to the spot where I just was, and then I move a last time, to the last indent. The last sword he throws misses me.

Then the man who promised to help me, does. He saves me from having to save myself for a fourth time.

I'm so tired. I just woke up from a nap that turned out longer than I had planned it to be.

The dream I had was so vivid. I could almost clearly remember it, even minutes after I had woken up from it.

It's going to be out of order and the details are going to be even more confusing than they were when I experienced it.

I'm with one of my friends. We're somewhere strange, someplace I can't explain even though the picture is still clear in my mind. It's as if we're trying to escape from something that's coming after us, or if we're just trying to escape the place in general. But then, I also get the feeling that we're just exploring. I can't remember, really. But the place, it looks like someplace that's been abandoned.

Then, I'm somewhere else. I'm with another friend. It could be the same friend, but I don't know, I don't think it is, though. We're shopping somewhere and I'm searching around for something for my mom, for a reason I can't explain. I find a green shawl and I ask my friend about it, if I should buy it. I think I try it on and I tear it. Feeling guilty, I put it back and we leave the place.

We continue to walk around. I can't really explain the area where we're walking in, but for some strange reason, I'm thinking of Europe. I can't remember, but I think my friend walks by a book shelve, and then it starts to lean into her and she freaks out. It turns out to be someone dressed as a book shelf.

The dream shifts again, but not completely. It's about a girl who needs to accomplish something, she needs to defeat an evil I can't explain. Her dad or whoever is trying to prepare her for it. Somehow, attacking book shelves is something she'll have to be dealing with. Then it goes to something else, the same dream, but it's at the part where she's trapping someone in a fireplace. Then it's gone.

I find myself on a boat with my friend, the same friend I went shopping with. I take out my camera and start taking pictures. A lot of my pictures are coming out well, but there are some that are all blurred and it's frustrating me.

Then, I'm in an area that resembles a camp. Buildings are surrounding a field of grass on either 2 or 3 sides. Someone calls out for games of soccer and some other sports. I hear soccer and I'm interested in joining, even though it only appears to be guys on the field. The game actually turns out to be ultimate frisbee, so I stand off to the side.

I go on a walk with my friend, and we explore deeper into the field, to areas that aren't domesticated. I can clearly recall the greens, the yellows and the blues that I'm seeing as I'm walking.

I vaguely remember someone telling me about a woman, a woman who comes every so often and enchants someone, and then they disappear. I think I was sitting on a porch with some old lady? I think she was the one who told me about the woman.

Suddenly, there's someone I'm interested in. Not interested in exactly, I'm not sure what feelings I had for him, but the realization that he was important came to me. I almost want to say he was my brother, it seems to be the only word I can describe him as.

So, I'm sitting with my friend and also the guy. Then something strange happens. I can hear music, distantly. Someone is singing, and it turns out to be the woman that the lady mentioned to me. She's calling out to the guy, and he stands up. I'm so confused and scared and I'm struggling to hold onto him. I'm trying to pull him back, to get him sit down again. I frantically try to talk to my friend, and she seems spaced out, and tells me there's nothing to worry about, he's fine. It seems I'm the only one who notices that something is wrong.

It's odd, but I think I'm a bit OCD? I'm not OBVIOUSLY OCD, but there are things that seem to bother me for no real reason.

Some LETTERS. Whether capitalized or lowercase, I can't stand them. K, for instance, I absolutely despise how terribly it fits in into sentences, into paragraphs. I don't think I mind it as much when it's starting a sentence, or when it's capitalized in general, but it still bothers me. M is another issue for me. It's so bulky. It just looks so strange. The lowercase m's aren't any better. I don't like lowercase l's either. Sometimes, I exchange words so I don't have to use the l. Like with the word "looks", sometimes I might change it to "appears", or something else.

There's also something with formatting that bothers me. Sometimes I can stand letters, other times I can't. It depends on where in the sentence they are, if they're near a comma or if they're at the beginning of a sentence.

I don't like when people go from capitalizing to not capitalizing in whatever they're submitting. I don't usually mind, I do it myself, sometimes, but sometimes it does really bother me.

I also don't like when people go from capitalizing to not capitalizing in survey's. I usually stay with one, but sometimes people use both and it just bothers me. I also prefer the survey questions to be capitalized. If they aren't, I'll probably go through and capitalize them. I was given a survey that's over 300 questions, all the questions aren't capitalized, and whenever I get to the survey, I'll probably deal with that issue. I prefer ending my survey answers with a period, as well, most times.

So many random things bother me, I can't recall them all, because they're just so random and they make no sense, I just don't bother with remembering them.

I wish I could really explain how I was feeling. I know something's wrong, but what's wrong? Why can't things just be simple for once? For a moment?

I think I know what the problem is.

I have been trying to avoid so many emotions, and trying to forget about so many things that caused me pain.

There's no more help in talking to my therapist. It's the same thing over and over again.

What should I do?

All my problems that I thought I solved, are returning to my conscious with a new strength that I can't fight in my weakened state.

What problems, though?

Am I making things up? Am I over thinking this?

Something's wrong, but am I searching for an answer in the wrong place?

Is my search ultimately worsening my situation?

Are these words, words from my subconscious to push my conscious into deeper despair?

So, someone recently asked me to list a few things I care about - as many things I care about.

Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard. The words just came to me.

1. I care about my mom. She's done so many things for me. She's made so many sacrifices, and she's gotten the worst of my mood swings. I don't know where I would be without her, mostly financially, but emotionally, too. It's nice being around her, she's probably the only person in the world who I can just be around without having any sense of obligation to start or carry on conversation bothering me. I can't say she understands me, really. Because she doesn't. But what mother does? She sometimes tries to be my best friend more than a mother, and she can be childish sometimes, and purposely, too. Because she thinks acting a certain way is cute, when to me, it's really disturbing and just ticks me off. But I love who she is, and I'm glad she adopted me. And she does make great food, if I were more adventurous with my diet I'd probably love her food.

2. I care about my friends. Some more than others, naturally. But they're all easy to talk to, and they're fun to talk to. They're interesting, even though some are as careless as can be, especially when it comes to school. They aren't very reliable, which depresses me sometimes. I'm not that reliable either - ever since I started breaking contact from a former best friend of mine, and I'd like a chance to redeem myself, but I'm finding it hard to do that with the friends I have now. Anyway, I'm glad they're in my life. I'm not a person who wants many friends, just some really good ones. I hope if I ever do open up and start changing, I'll be able to make closer friends of the ones I have now.

3. I care about my therapist. It sounds weird, though, right? Anyway, he's really nice, he's like an encyclopedia, he's easy to talk to, and for an old guy, he's pretty funny. I owe a lot to him, for being there, I guess, but I pay him for that, so that's not really much, huh? I've improved since I started seeing him, I'm more contained and I don't make life at home hell for my mom anymore. I've started trying new things, even though most of those new things are already boring me. I'll try and stick with them, though.

4. I care about my oboe teacher. He's interesting and he's really dedicated to the oboe, and he really seems to see a lot in me, even though I like hardly ever practice. I feel bad that I'm always letting him down because of that. I mean, I'm not getting worse, I'm actually pretty good for someone who never practices, but the thing is, I'm not really improving. So, I hope I can change that. I'll admit, I don't feel the same way about the oboe as I use to, but like so many other things, I'm not going to quit.

5. Believe it or not, I care about Doug, the guy who subbed in for my sensei while he was on away. I'm not really sure why I'm including him in here, it could be because of how short this list is, but I do care about him. Though, I wish I didn't care so much. Anyway, he's a really nice guy, and he's made me feel very welcomed at karate. I can't tell if he likes me, well, I can tell that he likes me, but I can't tell if he like likes me, like I like like him. lol I made it sound so retarded. Okay, moving on. He's funny, and he's always laughing at things I say. He's easy to talk to, we don't talk about much, but it's just easy to talk to him. I'd like to talk about more intimate subjects or rather other topics besides karate and the formalities, but I'm not sure I'll ever get there unless I request private lessons, and I think it's too late for that. And I'm glad I'll be seeing him more, I didn't think he would stay after the sensei came back, but he is, we talked about it at the end of the last class. He was talking about how he wants to continue studying karate, even if he is a black belt. I like to think that he's only continuing it, well, one of the reasons he's continuing it is because he wants to see more of me. (: lol Wow... this guy got a pretty long commentary. ;o

6. I care about animals. I've always had this soft side for them. I've always said I'd rather see a human die than watch an animal die. They just have this innocence to them, and they're so vulnerable. I mean, it's not very safe for them to be around me when I'm pissed off. lol No, it's not that bad. They certainly won't get any peace, though, that's for sure. And I always find myself disheartened watching one of those commercials about animals who need help.

7. I care about all the people who are suffering in this world. Which is a great contradiction, because I believe there are too many people in this world, and I think that they should be removed, so that they aren't causing as many problems, so that our population can go down, and the amount of resources we use won't be so affecting. Anyway, I care about people a lot. I care about people who are having difficult home lives, and are finding it hard to cope with their life. I care about people who come on the computer - like myself, though not as much - because they want to escape the real world. I care about the people who are homeless, and are finding life hard to live because of it. I care about the people whose health is suffering. I care about the people in Africa, I cried to this one commercial that was on late one night. It wasn't really a commercial, more like one of those Paid Programs or whatever. I find myself caring about other people more than myself. And yet, with all this heart I have, I don't do anything with it. I don't know what to do with it. I need more direction in my life.

8. And there's a friend I have. I haven't known her that long. But I feel I should include her in this list because although we have never met each other, we've been through a lot together. I lied to her, big time, for a long time. I still feel terrible about it, and I'm sure she's not over it, like she acts like she is. She's one of the few people who know me, like really know and understand me. She's younger than me, by like 3 years, and she's so mature. There are so many things we have in common, and she's the only person in the world who knows my secret. It's not that bad of a secret, but because of it, because of what I did, I was changed a lot, and for the worse. I hate myself for what I did. And I hate myself for doing it again, well, repeating history, I guess. I like to talk to her about my Romeo, about my crushes, and about my true Romeo, who's somewhere out there.

x.x And I was so close to 10... oh well.